NEVER LAND

Discombobulating thoughts slicing through my minds core. It's awful to have nightmares during the day.. eyes wide awake.. and I'm watching through the glass.. as you stroke her shiny blonde hair and cup her smooth perfect face and I'm forced to turn away. I've swept away the tears and let my anger subside to drown in my insecurities. I've never known how it happened. Desperately needing an answer to a question that is irrelevant to you. But its the key to my freedom which you keep bound, hidden under her pillow. The satin pillow of infidelity.

Living in a land of inexperience, once comforted by your hand and your promises. Living secure and happy and ignorant. I never saw it coming.. never saw the warning signs.. maybe they were right in front of me. Maybe I was stupidly pushing for something when there was so much loose rope on the other end. Did you just drop it.. or you never cared to hold on as tight as I did.

And the months had passed by so quickly and my every focus was on you. You were the elusive dream I thought I made into a reality. The colorful kite which flew by on the water.. and I was somehow able to grasp it. My happiness was found. I was exactly where I wanted and needed to be. I was the happiest girl on the planet.

Did it happen gradually. Did you try to let me down slowly, safely? Did you try to find a fault in me. Did I do something or not do something you wanted. Did I not love you enough. Did you not love me enough. Did she have something better than me. Was she the anti me. Did you feel her kiss more. Did your world feel more alive with her in it.. and me shut out. What was it about her that I didn't have?

You stopped talking to me. Strangers we became. You never looked into my eyes again. You stopped touching me. Did you forget what I looked like. Did I become a repulsive monster that you couldn't bear to look at or talk to or wonder how I was. Wonder who I talked to. Who I went out with on the weekends?

 These are questions I continually ask. Desperate for an answer I may never get. Justifications are excuses that don't mean anything. Just tell me that it wasn't her, that it was you. That it was the selfish choice that you made. And you broke us apart. Tell me there wasn't anything I could have changed. Pulled harder, dug deeper, bent over, changed my body, disguised my personality. I peer hard in the mirror and try to make out the me before you. But I know I want it back. I want to feel that rush, that high, that I know will never come again.

And so we descended into never never land. The haunted hell where worn out wishes are thrown. Half empty aspirations are left to rot. Unfulfilled promises and crushed dreams left for dead under a pile of ash. We were no longer a we.. just a you and me which was rarely combined in sentences. We fell apart and was no longer. The perfect sphere of purity was split open. And I was spit out into nothingness. It was us, in love, and happy for a moment and we'll never never have that again.