You're all Mine

Cupping your smooth cheeks
grazing your lip's shoreline
unaware of your uncertainty
for now you are all mine.

The wind blew all summer
tangled up in peace and wine.
What a fool to think
I would always have more time.

Lying under an umbrella of stars
You're so beautiful it makes me blind
If only every day could be like this
If only I could seduce your mind.

What I don't know now
is I'm gonna want the chase
I'm gonna scream for the rain
and I'm gonna pray to touch your lovely face

Hoping everything remained the same
and I'll only have myself to blame.
Wishing everything was fine.
Guess I thought I'd have more time.

Change

Change can disguise itself in winter.
Wear it around like a fur jacket.
the hem covering every green speck in sight.
The sun sinks lower and lower
as you stop questioning the bright orange, red and yellow
and accept as distant a memory as deja vu.
Change can prey upon us.
It sneaks stealthily smirking
while we're sleeping.
Waking from the onset of a bad dream
Sweat beads swim down from your neck
swishing between the abnormalities
you'd rather forget.
The curve of the neck is dried off
like a new polished banana- shaped moon.
The black and brown bruises
breathe life back into the earth-less trunks of the trees.
Change x

After It All

After our first kiss
After our countless "I love you's"
After your shattered promises
Thrown at me like unrecycled trash
I now feel like a fool
Heavy and leaden from the hurt.
You've made me feel like an intruder interrupting your life,
once accepting an enticing invitation
not realizing there was an expiration sticker
wrapped around deadly detination.
The world we created would unravel, mold and rapidly rot.

Improvising an unrehearsed, foreign role.
This is foreign territory I've never stepped on before.
Unsure of how to keep making you happy,
I keep putting on my puppet face,
pretending to be a weightless actress you would love.
Fearful of coming off as an amateur,
I crouch behind the red velvet curtain,
because I cannot bear for you to see my naked shame.
It is my only defense against your denial of us.
Or my own denial of the idea of us.
You secretly hijack the furniture and
rearrange it in our room,
cunningly blocking me out.
It's a maze only you can figure out.
I don't want to be the pawn that gets tackled by the queen,
so I do not bother and pretend to ignore it.
I'm slowly sinking in your quicksand of lies and deception.
But I can't seem to remember how I got here.

Time moves quickly and then abruptly freezes
I am left naked, hotfaced in the bare cold.
Isolated and shivering in my own nightmare.
The bridge between us in love and
the purgatory we've descended into, is collapsing.
The beams are breaking apart,
the cast is spitting out rocks at the dark passerby ghouls
The suspension will soon snap.
The bond between me and you is breaking apart.
I wish I was able to save us
But I know I will be able to save myself
Before this bridge crumbles
The warning signs were all my own
I just wish I would have known.

Ordinary

The chandelier earrings hang on her small ears
stuck out in front of her black hair
the rhinestones and intricate detail stand out more
than the almonds of her eyes and her hard stone stare.

The gray dress falls over her small hips
Her soft voice dissolves into the crowd
her thin lips disappear upon the soiree
of faces which are beautiful and loud

Dangerous Fantasies

Dangerous Fantasies

Fantasies are dreams high on ecstasy.
The purest form stuck between the interludes of reality and fiction.
You believe you need what you intensely desire.
You craft and spin, lick the edges of and roll with
your imaginary philosophies.
Soon you forget that your fantasy is only an illusion.
You ostensibly appear conscious of a line
separating your hypnotic fantasy
from your single remaining shred of sanity.
It is a dangerous rope that you tiptoe upon,
grazing with the crown of your toes, afraid of making any noise.
The more egregious your delusion becomes,
the narrow tight rope drowns itself in a bottle of wine.
The warning signs drunkenly dance,
drumming feverishly with their tap shoes
immersed in this hypnotic dream -like state
saturated in the magical energy of what could be.
The bewitching rays stroke the smooth valley of your sad cheeks.
You are in painfully in love with the girl whose green eyes match her green dress.
She has an infectious laugh that sounds
like a fusion of rain and cymbals.
You know she wants you.
You have obsessed over the way she flips her hair
so disarmingly over your broad shoulder,
so close you can smell the fruit of each and every tendril.
You memorize the inflection of every syllable
swimming around in the sensual sounds of her voice.
She's the inspiration behind your elaborate screenplay;
starring the flawless, nameless girl.
Every night her plump lips taunt you.
Her scent falls asleep on the fluffed pillows.
But when you awake there's no sign
of her satin green dress on the floor.
Your fantasy becomes a series of hallucinations
cataloged between helplessness and desperation.
When she smiles her impeccable smile
your desperation crumbles away.
The symphony floats around in your head
strumming the most charming chords.
This delicate dream survives by thin fabric
sewn together by your ingenious creativity.
This blanket provides one
matchstick worth of warmth
for every big bucket
of overflowing anxiety and manic.
Time seems long and cruel.
Then you see her for the second time.
You yearn to be close to her so you can
wrap yourself in the taste of her nightly potion.
You try to remember her dreamy perfume
laced with her sticky- sweet sweat as you walk toward her.
But the memory of her aroma is veiled by the sudden putrid smell
of musty cologne and cheap cigarettes.
When she tilts her neck
to splay her hair over her tattered dress
you notice her green eyes have flecks of
boring brown.
When she smiles her crooked smile
and laughs
it sounds like murderous thunder on shattered glass
Your fantasy of this heavenly fawn
is broken,
you've awoken
and your high is gone.

The warmth of the sun sets upon my sunken eyes
The sound of your voice echoes deep inside
My mind it always tries to console my wavering thoughts
with you I am dreaming blind and dancing lost
Colors are colors but they seem to be brighter
prayers are prayers I wish their embrace kinder

The stars fade to black and the sky grows lonely
desperately I need your warm arms around me
To cool down the fire of my ardent heart
To ward off the ghouls when the nightmares start
twirling round and round, lies, deep inside
trying to dart out of my dubious eyes

Dead to the world, slumber covers my soul
darling dreams dive in to make me whole
stripping down to the truthful core
hesitation flies up from the floor to the shore
your smile looks at my fallen face with love to share
I love you but I am scared

you roll.. you blow

Laughter's everywhere
Never had a friend like you
I swallow you up
Here's a love that i always knew
One step in and my world turned yellow and then blue
Color's all around
they're mine to shine and to amuse
I have found my long lost muse
You took my pain and my soul feels new

Lights reflect and bounce off your smile
stay here for a while
the branches whirl and twirl
no worries
don't be sad boy and girl

Love's everywhere
Never had a friend who bloomed
I roll you up
The easel turns, the paint spins on cue
Splatters cover the sky
music sparks the virgin fuse
I dance to the midnight blues
You knew the right chords through n through

Being in love

Being in love is a lot like being high on your favorite drug.
In the beginning you get this amazing rush. The lines between the days, weeks, and months seem to vanish. The dance you both danced to seems to play on forever. The music plays and hibernates on the covers you both sleep on, swims inside the wine glasses you drink from. It emanates from the water splashing out from the shower head, stroking your sweaty hair. You don't realize how amazing and how addicting love is until a year passes by, and you have to accept that you are hooked. There is no denying that you can go hours without a daily blast. You need the touch of lips, inner thighs, cheek and hair.
There is no other drug that can make you feel as though you're floating or more like flying and there is no way you're going to want to come down. You want to live in the crystalline, fluffy clouds, and see if you can touch the moon. You want to admire and rearrange the stars. Design your own constellation because you know that's what God put them there for.
You look around your proximity and swear that everyone around you is as high as you are. They have genuine smiles on their beautiful faces, heart and souls dilated. Everyone seems to loom in toward each other, and enjoy the mere touch of another person's fingertips. The simple satisfaction of another arm around theirs. The sensation of untouched body parts patiently waiting, knowing it will soon happen. The world is exactly as it should be. You feel the best you've ever felt in your whole life. This is the happiness you found. The secret  ingredient an angel placed in your hand for no one else but you.
The world is great and it couldn't get any better..

And then the clouds silently part and
you slowly topple down.. down.. down..DOWN
and you eventually collapse and fall smack down on the filthy, putrid soil and in a deep, dark, wretched hole. You bruise yourself in the process, hitting every obstacle, and failing to flee from the inescapable lows. The bright disgusting morning after a heavy dose. The euphoria is sliding off your sticky skin, goosebumps leave you naked and afraid. Reality begins to slap you hard in the face and revel in the redness. It sneers slyly in the corners of a headache. It rubs your face in the desperate need to hold on to what you've known is safe but do not realize, dangerous. You pretend that he's not pushing you away. You need the comfort of his body, his voice, his compliments. He no longer looks your way. You keep losing your reasoning. Nothing is making sense. You hate the entire world. The entire world has gone mad. Or is it just you. Where is the comfort of your drug now? The sole of your mind is worn and slippery.  He has stolen the blue from your sky and the bitter sting of ice replaced it. You shudder, alone in the dark. Withdrawals pour throughout  your veins, racing to destroy your entire body. 
The walls pound, the wallpaper fades while your sanity slips away. The yellow pasty wallflowers blend into the mold and rot. The drug which once comforted and reassured has given up on you.You feel ugly and vulnerable.
It has lied and twisted you into an unrecognizable creature. And you keep needing it. The cravings never leave. They only grow stronger and meaner, and you want to throw them out, throw them up, and erase them, erase him, ease your spirit. Ease your heart and you just want to fall asleep with him in your bed. Forget today, turn back time. But the agony he's caused is tangled in your hair. It's bound by the sacred memories you refuse to let go of.  It gets caught in the questions you need answered, but are too scared to ask. You'd rather not know.
 The sun doesn't want to stay out any longer.Your sandcastle crumbles in the sand. The waves stay away from the shore, shying away from you. Dead to the world, slumber suffocates your soul. You scream to make sure someone can hear. Making sure you still have a voice.
One day you'll be able to kick the rocks as far as you can.
They'll knock down the buildings of insecurity.
One day soon you'll see it fall
You'll be able to come back down to earth.
You'll be able to smell the fresh cut grass,
the fine blades kissing your smooth legs
One day you'll be able to forgive and
when you see him you'll have the courage to
be able to say goodbye.

Can't get it out of my Head

My timing is ironic it almost makes me laugh...
But I'm not laughing.. and I'm not happy. I have everything I wanted or thought I wanted. You're gone. Or I'm gone.. it doesn't really matter anymore. Time swallows up the memories and we're left with the rancid aftertaste. I can still taste that.. it sleeps on my tongue like a night after heavy drinking swims in your pores. It lives there.. infests everything it lays its tongue on.. But truthfully that's all I have left of you. I can take it or trash it.. and I greedily take the images with me.. deep down where no one knows and only I can see.

My regret is insurmountable. I thought with time I'd forget you. Your scent lingers in my air.. it teases and taunts. I almost despise the effect you have on me every minute of every day. I'm happy.. I try to tell myself over and over. Is it an illusion I invent for myself to believe. Why are you so seminal to me. Is it because you were once in my grasp and I let you go. Was it because I lost? A defeated opponent in a game where I cheated and lied. Was this the ending I wanted.. because my fantasy was so egregious. Because I wanted you to suffer.. the way I had for so long. Fixated on you from afar and you never noticed. But I'm not. It wasn't about retribution. It was a moment long ago when the opportunity was there. When your hand touched mine. And our lips allied, eager to shower us with their gratification. And then I slammed you out. And I crammed everything that was impervious to fit in my life.

My world spins on an axis that I'm not in control of. I'm merely a puppet dancing on strings far far away from you. Because I know that is what you want. That's what you deserve. To forget my reflection looking back at you in your mirror.And I know that you're happy. I know there is someone else now.. to give you what I could not. It doesn't make me bitter. I'm only disappointed in myself and the hold you do not know you have on me. Because I still see your smile. I still see that shiny long brown hair in front of me passing by on the street. I try to slow you down. But you turn around and its a vacant face. Devoid of your laughter and loony charm. And I'm sad. And please trust me when I say I'm sorry. My feelings will one day change. I will one day move on just as you have. But for now I have my dreams.
My dreams are beautiful concoctions that I've painted with the most miniscule brush.. not forgetting any details. remembering me and you.. remembering.. the smoke in the air.. the music in the background..beauty marks and moles.. the vanilla sky painted across my world.

ON A TRAIN-SONG

This day seems wet and cold
the walls and bulletins look too old
standing on the platform with you
attendants working trapped in a past of their youth..

The sun sets under the morning comb
tickets are combined to be sold
Standing on the platform with you
passengers exhale on the verge of something new

And your standing in front of me
Then gone in a blink of an eye
On a train to somewhere
While i'm stuck out in the rain
Left wondering why
Am I insane

I'm here.. still here
The only place I've been

The night follows like its told
Shivering there's nothing for him to hold
Standing on the platform with you
And suddenly we're through

And your standing in front of me
Then gone in a blink of an eye
On a train to somewhere
I'm questioning why I came
Left wondering why
I'm out in the rain

I'm here Still here. With no concern
The only place I've been. I hope I'll never
return.
*inspired by John Lennon and first wife, Cynthia Powell

NEVER LAND

Discombobulating thoughts slicing through my minds core. It's awful to have nightmares during the day.. eyes wide awake.. and I'm watching through the glass.. as you stroke her shiny blonde hair and cup her smooth perfect face and I'm forced to turn away. I've swept away the tears and let my anger subside to drown in my insecurities. I've never known how it happened. Desperately needing an answer to a question that is irrelevant to you. But its the key to my freedom which you keep bound, hidden under her pillow. The satin pillow of infidelity.

Living in a land of inexperience, once comforted by your hand and your promises. Living secure and happy and ignorant. I never saw it coming.. never saw the warning signs.. maybe they were right in front of me. Maybe I was stupidly pushing for something when there was so much loose rope on the other end. Did you just drop it.. or you never cared to hold on as tight as I did.

And the months had passed by so quickly and my every focus was on you. You were the elusive dream I thought I made into a reality. The colorful kite which flew by on the water.. and I was somehow able to grasp it. My happiness was found. I was exactly where I wanted and needed to be. I was the happiest girl on the planet.

Did it happen gradually. Did you try to let me down slowly, safely? Did you try to find a fault in me. Did I do something or not do something you wanted. Did I not love you enough. Did you not love me enough. Did she have something better than me. Was she the anti me. Did you feel her kiss more. Did your world feel more alive with her in it.. and me shut out. What was it about her that I didn't have?

You stopped talking to me. Strangers we became. You never looked into my eyes again. You stopped touching me. Did you forget what I looked like. Did I become a repulsive monster that you couldn't bear to look at or talk to or wonder how I was. Wonder who I talked to. Who I went out with on the weekends?

 These are questions I continually ask. Desperate for an answer I may never get. Justifications are excuses that don't mean anything. Just tell me that it wasn't her, that it was you. That it was the selfish choice that you made. And you broke us apart. Tell me there wasn't anything I could have changed. Pulled harder, dug deeper, bent over, changed my body, disguised my personality. I peer hard in the mirror and try to make out the me before you. But I know I want it back. I want to feel that rush, that high, that I know will never come again.

And so we descended into never never land. The haunted hell where worn out wishes are thrown. Half empty aspirations are left to rot. Unfulfilled promises and crushed dreams left for dead under a pile of ash. We were no longer a we.. just a you and me which was rarely combined in sentences. We fell apart and was no longer. The perfect sphere of purity was split open. And I was spit out into nothingness. It was us, in love, and happy for a moment and we'll never never have that again.

Fall down on me- SONG

Falling down from faith
didn't see me in the blur
You trapped yourself in a dark place
lies and lies which
whirl

falling down from earth
got caught in a hole
you trapped yourself in your choices
dice and dice which
roll

Im opening myself for you
fall down on me
open the blinds
the whole world is near
for me and you to see

falling down from me
couldn't see me while you cried
we got caught in bitter stings
spoken bye and bye
we didn't know why

I'm opening myself for you
fall down in me
close your mind
the whole world is here
all just for you and me

MOVING GRAVITY, LOSING REALITY

The glare of the television reflects ghostly off the mirror on the back wall

the sound of the glass is deafening as i watch the ashtray fall

down, down, ashes spreading hopelessly covering the barren floor

adrenaline runs through my veins as i glance toward the imposing door

its crowding my formation of thoughts slowly slowly disintegrating

the walls pound pound pound sanity slips away wallpaper fading

till my mouth rolls on the inside thickness trickles around

my mouth sustains the taste reliving the years before

the waves are pulling in feverishly in close proximity to the window shore

the heat consumes my body sweat doubles as second skin to my vulnerability

my clothes are stuck to me as though years and years of clinging

THIS MOMENT MIGHT NEVER COME AGAIN

the moment your hand brushed mine so soft and quick like the

breeze on my curtains which sway back and forth in the

abandoned night desperate for the comfort of the stars desperate

for the solace of their flame which sparks reassurance and

security and the stars hide their eyes behind the devious clouds

who snicker and mock for they know that the stars shine their

light in awe of the ants on the ground who run around

in endless circles like the ... which leads nowhere but in denial

and their death caused by another whose lies and bittersweet

promises were too succulent to resist and although the star light

shines for miles and miles they will never touch and feel the hurt

and the lips of another and the anticipation and wanting and

needing which leads up to the heartbreak

even just for a moment

DON'T GLANCE THIS WAY

Falling in love with someone is the worst curse in the design and makeup of a couple. It brings out the worst and most neurotic side of my brain. I don't know what effect it has on the general population of the world, i have this consummate feeling of sadness. Its an unattainable happiness which I despise yet at the same time crave. I yearn for it daily, every hour, every minute. This aberrant awareness which i sprint toward and dash off in fear like a young child trembling, unable to breath. Ironically enough I feel as though it is the air I am in search of, the fuel that keeps me alive. Without it, I am lost. Lost in a common place world in which i pity all the broken hearted fools who could not keep up with or embrace this curse. I need love, I need approval and I need to have someone who needs my love in exchange. It does make me angry knowing they have every inch of me. I give my lips, my legs my eyes and every parcel in between. I give my mouth, my touch and my soul. I am left with uncertainty and doubt and fear. Fear from myself that maybe that isn't enough. I don't know when something is enough. I push, stretch, twist till i do not recognize myself. I live in this deluded maze. It is a torture cell for my tortured soul. It is my hell. If you can not succumb to my anomalistic ambience then do not enter. Do not hold my body, do not kiss my mouth, or brush your hand between my legs. Do not try to seduce my mind. Do not misinterpret what i say. and please for your sake, do not glance my way.

Words Unsaid

Some words you just can't say
Somehow they lose the meaning
lose the fixation of the dream
when their free to the world
There's something mysterious and
even dangerous when you can
peer into the eyes of someone
and have tawdry thoughts
and they cannot grab them
cannot buy them
cannot surrepitiously take them
they are all your own

Your world

we sat
our bodies lateral to each other
in close proximity
enough to smell his scent
a nice vivid smell
he rubbed his fingers
across his forehead
maybe as a monotonous habit
or as an occupational hazard
which induces stress lines
and as unfair punishment
call our faces home
The instant in which he did
i was reminded of a ghost
his mannerisms triggered
a memory of  a past lovers hands
the way he held a wine glass
the way he fixed his hair
making sure every strand fell into place
and the way he cupped my cheeks
right before he kissed my lips
and my thoughts always subsided
slipped away, carried off into
the brain of a more responsible girl
I allowed the memory to fill me up
like the glass of water at my feet
half full, half empty who really cares
it consumed my area, my moment in time
my whole world for one minute
and in that minute time dissolved
trickled down in the hourglass
i was there in his memory
walking down a street
nowhere in particular
looking from his eyes
at an unfledged wavering
imperfectly balanced
physique of whom is all his
and his mouth is moving
faster than his mind would like
silently cursing at his conventional spirit
Are you mine, he asks
Yes, i'm yours, i smile
like the exclamation mark
to a flawless transcendental symphony
your hand looped into mine
the missing link
the perfect component
the misplaced breath
which pumped your earth full of air
and inside you i can feel you crying
a haunting i never knew you lived in
and i take your hand out of your
black button coat
and reach with your fingers
to wipe away the tears which are not
outlined or drawn beneath your beautiful eyes
yet your hand doesn't move
i cannot change this memory
cannot relive what is already been
and it makes me sad
i never knew you were lonely
never knew i was lonely
are you okay
i am shaken stirred like a martini
i've ordered to subdue you everyday
i'm back to my present
sitting next to him
i cannot even remember his name
was it real
was it you and me in a world
where your hands guarded my soul
where you stole my heartache
and in exchange i only gave you grief
i'd like to smash the hourglass against the wall
return back to that dim street corner
and trade in summer popsicles
for blistering winter ice
i'd like to go back to that place
i need your hands wrapped up in mine
the warm blanket on a frozen night
i need your piercing eyes
to see straight thru my lies
and know that i'm not okay
i need you to know every night
i try to channel thru to your subconscious
and make you mine once more
i need to be in that moment again
i need to be in your world

Searching- SONG

Wednesday, January 07, 2009
I tried my hand at writing a song.

searching

I'm watching the edge of our horizon
my collage of thoughts breaking away
me and you scattering
as night turns to day

I'm searching for something I can believe in
searching for someone I can relate to
searching for somewhere I can start anew

Our moon hangs as an upside down smile
the lights dimming as I wish you'd stay
wondering how we got here
but you don't hear what I say

I'm searching for something to put my promise in
searching for someone to rest my head on
searching for somewhere where the worst is won

and you used to be mine
now I'm searching for a sign

the night fell under a blanket of fog
and I got used to the way we sleep
I'm all alone tonight
and I'm in way too deep

I'm searching for something I know is real
searching for someone I can call my own
searching for somewhere I can call home

and you used to be mine
and I'm still searching for a sign

Doubtful

Sometimes someone comes along. Sometimes they bump into you without you noticing, other times they crash into your life anonymously and uninvited. Almost immediately they sink their teeth into you. Maybe they're only momentarily curious or maybe they've watched from afar and wanted to drown themselves into you, escape from their forlorn selves for awhile. Immersed with their intense captivation their spots disappear into the blanket you both slept under. In that moment both your bodies searing touches causes the entire world to evaporate. While your feelings are faltering night turns to day. In the deafening silence are the thoughts you wished, but you couldn't say.