We Don't Know Its Name Anymore

I can still remember when we met
A low light cast from underneath a dim planet
We had our own crazy plans in store
Flying among the stars with no rules
but we don't know its name anymore

A weightless world is what we found
Our feet refused to touch the ground
floating around so free and high
fingers and hands assuredly yet shy
and we never thought
we'd have to say goodbye

But we couldn't live there
and being that free became a chore
A place that amazing never had a floor
I sometimes wish we could go back
but we don't know its name anymore

The Mess That's Me

I'm a mess
I'm complicated
I'm weird
I'm strange
I say illogical things in quiet serious moments
I laugh when I'm crying
I snort when I laugh too hard
I laugh much louder than I speak
I sweat in weird places when I'm nervous
I'm super inappropriate
I curse in a way that's not cute
I spill too many secrets about myself
I apologize more than I should
I still check under my bed
I turn on all the lights when I'm lonely
I have the hardest time finishing a book
I have the hardest time finishing a painting
I have the hardest time just plain finishing anything
I still eat like a teenager
I have no clue what a real diet consists of
I can't stop at one glass of wine
I complain about the smallest things
I hold in the bigger things
I sometimes don't know what I'm trying to say
I know exactly what I'm feeling
I have enormous regrets
I wish I could take back so much
I feel like I don't give enough
I don't know when to stop giving
I don't know when to let go
I don't know how to give up
I still blush when I look at you
I wish that you would think about me
I think about you more than you would think
I wish I could tell you
I still love you
I'm afraid that
I don't know if I'll ever stop

Time Is A Tricky Lil' Son of Another

Time is a tricky lil son of another

a surreal, paradise-intoxicating island

a stalling moment of a desirable, favorable chance

a stretch of hope of love and yearning rapture in a man

The years sleep so awkwardly and perplexingly

everything appears to lay on the palm of your hand

an enchanting moment of harmonious guitar-strummed amity

a connection only true lovers can

Achieve in a way that only time can

have a crazy effect on, can close abstract gaps

a miracle of untouchable willing faith

a smidgen of happiness smug on your lap

Not knowing the inevitable

a heavy hesitation of the future happy hourglass

Can we flip it over and over

I want to, have to, need to know it will last

Time is a tricky lil' son of another

moment in the span of our superior-seeming universe

when, oh when, can we get it right?

Because I'm weary of our long, fiery games

of this muddy verse in need of a final broken curse.

4 AM Quote

"And if you're still up at 4 a.m., you are in love or lonely, and I don't know which one is worse."  Ramandeep Singh quotes

The Drama Of Foil

I bought the foil, you know, the foil we needed to wrap the cooking sheet before we cooked the pizza. Or rather, baked the pizza. Still not sure which it was, are we cooking or baking? I've never been much of a cook. Or baker. Or chef for that matter.
Nevertheless, the foil is what we needed. Numerous times. I always said I would buy the foil. And somehow I managed to forget. I know it may have seemed insignificant and maybe it was, but I shouldn't have forgotten. I needed it for other things too.
But, you're gone now, so it doesn't matter.
And guess what? I have foil. Strange how things work themselves out. Or don't.
But, it was one of the things I faulted myself on. Not having foil in the kitchen. Not cooking enough.
Not baking or whatever. Not knowing how to deep fry or sautee.
And come to think of it now... How ridiculous.
How ridiculous to think of myself as an incomplete human being because of something so minuscule as foil.
But, that's how it was and that's how you were.
The madness of it all. What would you think? What would you say?
And now, I'm just too tired for any of it.
I'm too tired for the foil, for the games, for the intense, anxious anticipation. And where has it gotten me?
It wasn't just you. You're just a number in the grand scheme of relationships or close encounters.
A potential relationship where we pretend to be someone we're not.
Why fool ourselves? Why lie? Why bother with the pleasantries?
What's the fucking point?
I'll trade in the warm body lying next to mine. That's tough. Considering I enjoy that so much more than sex.
I'll trade in the dependence. I'll be stronger and more independent in time.
I'll trade in the control and the maliciousness and focus on the intricate corners of my own soul.
I don't need you and I never really needed foil.
But foil is here now and you're not.
At least foil serves a purpose.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Why is everything less charming the day after?
After a vacation, returning to work.
After Christmas, and somehow we're relieved it's over.
After the first lay, because you know that's the best it will ever be.
We hype everything up like fools. Needing it to be this movie-like, magical, entrancing, indelible fairy tale moment. Or a string of moments, like a never-ending strand of bright, multi-colored Christmas lights that we wish, like hopeful, ruddy-faced kids, would shine forever.
Posting only happy pictures; see the perfect smiles, the bright eyes, the shiny hair.
And writing only inspirational, strained, hollow words, that even we don't believe.
Cramming everything that's secretive and painful and humiliating under our beds,
waiting for our parents to tuck us in and read us stories of innocent, dim-witted cats and dogs that speak, and clever forks and spoons that dance.
Why do we trick ourselves? Like the magic mirror on the wall exists solely to tell us what we'd like to hear.
Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the biggest fool of them all?
And it would have to be me. For believing in us. Except 'us' serves no purpose. No more.
Some people do it right, get it right, and maybe I did everything all wrong, but you didn't stop me.
You let me carry on and ramble on, because I somehow thought that's all I was good at.
But, the words I could never articulate correctly and kindly, according to you.
And although I felt they didn't carry much meaning they could slice through the silence,
slice through a brick, because that's how you chose to take it.
But I would never be able to slice through your walls, even with the biggest sledgehammer.
We hype everything up, wanting to be so ridiculously happy,
as if happy is the answer to life.
But only you chose to focus on the microscopic flaws.
Not that my flaws are microscopic, because that would be the biggest lie.
But you searched for them, dug for them, hunted them like deer for survival.
And I never would have stood a chance.
And I could miss you, and I could want you back with every feeling in my body
that I pretend is numb or I so desperately wish it were.
I could miss you with every 'sorry' and every 'I love you'
and with every word I write about you that you will never read.
But, it wouldn't matter at all.
I'll go back to being Cinderella.
You will turn into a pumpkin
I will eat the rotten apple
and the mirror on the wall will shatter into a million peices.
Why is everything less charming the day after?
Because time runs out
and just like you and me
everything will end.

Falling Glass

Wound me up, wound me up
Don't you love seeing me fucked up
wound me up, shake me up
maybe it will hurt less
when I'm dropped
like glass about to fall
and shatter all over the floor
piece by piece, bit by bit
the shame of it laid out for everyone to see
and I can't cover a thing
I can't enclose it, compartmentalize it
the agony spills out and over
it stains my blankets and pillows
the nasty morning reminder
right after you're not there
And everyone leaves
because that's what you're told
and that's what you choose to believe
and that's what you do to me
Wound me up, wound me up
like a silly toy with no expression
wound me up, shake me up
maybe it will hurt less
when I'm dropped
because I can't stand anymore
I can't breathe, there's no air
I'm not going backwards
I'm just falling down

Do What You Never Thought Was Possible

Why do I feel like this? I feel an utter urgency to do something amazing, something amazing just for me.

Just disregarding everyone else's opinions, hearsay, insults, objectives, theories, and giving them the bird and saying to myself, that it's not for me. I don't need it, don't deserve it, and I won't tolerate it for a minute longer. No longer feeling the desire of being nice to people solely for the sake of being nice and not wanting to come off like the mean girl or rather the "bitch". But, how do I achieve what I ultimately want by appeasing to others? It is a simple answer; I can't do what people expect from me all the time and be equally happy. There are times where I have to solely think about myself, my needs, my goals and my dreams. Ultimately, I matter the most, I need to love myself first and foremost and everything else is secondary. It's not about being greedy or selfish, it's about self preservation. That is life. Now stumbling upon this new-found insight has not been easy nor has it been a quick process. Its been a long, arduous process. It's about making difficult decisions and wondering if I had made the right choices and even still falling backwards, because I was unsure. The important thing, is I continued to press on even when I was completely alone. Being alone is difficult. It's the hardest thing for me to achieve. There are times when I want someone just to have someone next to me to feel safe and feel desired. The hardest thing in life is achieving those same feelings on your own. That is what I'm currently trying to accomplish. I'll let you know how it goes...

You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. –Christopher Columbus

I Could For You

I could spend the rest of my life
trying to fill the gaps in your soul
I could turn myself inside out
Love has a way of taking its toll
I could go crazy with apologies
I'll never understand what it is I stole
I could empty my entirety
trying to make you whole
I could die the rest of my life
But, I'd be the one with the bigger hole.

You'll Never Know

Pacing back and forth
feverishly fretting
counting up and down
tentatively waiting

Frenzied in a way
that's never fair
but you'll never know
and you'll never care

More often than not
I startle myself, but
I need to stop myself
actively stop myself
because every day is you
and every night I want it through

Watching and waiting
strumming carelessly
and I can't stop thinking of you
thinking recklessly

If you could only see
how you're tearing me apart
strumming vigorously
rapidly pounding in my heart

More often than not
I startle myself, but
I need to stop myself
actively stop myself
because every day is you
and every night I want it through

because every day I want you
but, I know we'll never see it through

and every day I want you
but, I know I'll never see you through

We have tonight

Tonight you're mine

I'll watch the way your lips move

Curled up; the corners dancing up and down

With all of your frenetic energy

You're still the best thing I ever found.

I'll remember the way we were

Touches softly, slowly here and there

The longing feeling lingers in our air

Bittersweet nostalgia sweeps underneath the door

And I can't help feeling love's not fair.

This won't last long
Just as quickly as this happened, it will soon be gone
the bright sun will pop up tomorrow
like an obnoxious uninvited stranger

stay here while the sun is sinking low

Tonight you're here 

I'll kiss you with utter abandon

I'll  have the hardest time with goodbye

Our sweet turned sour and

I'll never fully understand why.

And if I don't get another chance

I'll relish the forgiven look in your eyes

The surreal peace that breathes and hush

For a moment I wish the stars would shine forever

And we would always be us.

Mad Sea

No one ever tells you how lonely lonely can be.
They don't prepare you for the suffocating silence
left bobbing alone in a vast sea
with the maddening thoughts of you and me.
The entirety of love turned inside out
and you'll find me there.
Broken and alone and afraid
and you'll find me
Left in the crevices, the dark shades
I want to turn and run away and flee
But, I'll still be left with the maddening thoughts
the maddening thoughts
of you and me
swimming along
in the mad sea.

Monogamy

A song from Monogamy, a movie with Chris Messina and Rashida Jones.

This is the best part. The song, You Don't Know, sung by the beautiful Rashida Jones.

Here is the video. I do not own this.

Pull

Sometimes someone comes along that you instantly take notice.
The vibrancy of their soul produces a magnetic gravitational pull.
A pull toward you and your lustful need
to thrust yourself upon this stranger.

This stranger pulls you closer and closer
causes you to stop and pause momentarily.
Pause for their strong pull. Their pull that keeps pulling you.
Pulling and pulling for the hope
that maybe you won't recognize and stop fooling.

Stop fooling him. Maybe fooling yourself
and fall into his arms.
Fall into the safety haven of something
that could last and maybe he'd think it'd be okay.

A pull toward you and your intense need
A need for arms and mouth
and the words that come from his lips
Yes, yes and yes. Agreeance never sounded sweeter.
Sweet, like tasty succulents.

But it's not real.
You want so bad to believe it's really true.
You want to soak yourself in this easy, sweet escape.
Falling down the slope of a lover's parachute

Would you come back?
Would you still want me after everything?
I need so badly to believe it's true.
I wanted everything to be beautiful and wonderful
I wished so badly I believed it was with you.

Everyone heals

Something I dug up. I must have been around 14 years old when I wrote this.
I didn't like the title. So I just created a new one...because I can do that. Amazing how something I wrote when I was 14 years old makes my 27 year old self feel comforted.


When you're all alone
and no one is there to comfort you
When you think no one cares
because no one wants to

When you think everyone's gone
from the life you once led
When no one is around
to say what has to be said

When you begin to cry
and people stare
When they begin to ask
and pretend to care

When you think you're the only one
who suffers from pain
and broken hearts
Think again it's the same

It's the same with everyone
Everyone goes through times of pain
And it's important to know
and know not in vain

That everyone suffers
and everyone feels
Everyone in the end copes
and everyone heals

I'll see you soon

A thousand miles apart
All alone in my room
Counting down the seconds
And I know I'll see you soon

A hundred kisses apart
'Till I can feel your lips on mine
Slowly drifting asleep
Knowing dreams have no time

A couple roads apart
I love how your hands feel
Trying to stay awake at night
The best part is that its real

A few breaths apart
And your kissing me too
Breaking apart for a second
And I'm already missing you

You're all Mine

Cupping your smooth cheeks
grazing your lip's shoreline
unaware of your uncertainty
for now you are all mine.

The wind blew all summer
tangled up in peace and wine.
What a fool to think
I would always have more time.

Lying under an umbrella of stars
You're so beautiful it makes me blind
If only every day could be like this
If only I could seduce your mind.

What I don't know now
is I'm gonna want the chase
I'm gonna scream for the rain
and I'm gonna pray to touch your lovely face

Hoping everything remained the same
and I'll only have myself to blame.
Wishing everything was fine.
Guess I thought I'd have more time.

Change

Change can disguise itself in winter.
Wear it around like a fur jacket.
the hem covering every green speck in sight.
The sun sinks lower and lower
as you stop questioning the bright orange, red and yellow
and accept as distant a memory as deja vu.
Change can prey upon us.
It sneaks stealthily smirking
while we're sleeping.
Waking from the onset of a bad dream
Sweat beads swim down from your neck
swishing between the abnormalities
you'd rather forget.
The curve of the neck is dried off
like a new polished banana- shaped moon.
The black and brown bruises
breathe life back into the earth-less trunks of the trees.
Change x

After It All

After our first kiss
After our countless "I love you's"
After your shattered promises
Thrown at me like unrecycled trash
I now feel like a fool
Heavy and leaden from the hurt.
You've made me feel like an intruder interrupting your life,
once accepting an enticing invitation
not realizing there was an expiration sticker
wrapped around deadly detination.
The world we created would unravel, mold and rapidly rot.

Improvising an unrehearsed, foreign role.
This is foreign territory I've never stepped on before.
Unsure of how to keep making you happy,
I keep putting on my puppet face,
pretending to be a weightless actress you would love.
Fearful of coming off as an amateur,
I crouch behind the red velvet curtain,
because I cannot bear for you to see my naked shame.
It is my only defense against your denial of us.
Or my own denial of the idea of us.
You secretly hijack the furniture and
rearrange it in our room,
cunningly blocking me out.
It's a maze only you can figure out.
I don't want to be the pawn that gets tackled by the queen,
so I do not bother and pretend to ignore it.
I'm slowly sinking in your quicksand of lies and deception.
But I can't seem to remember how I got here.

Time moves quickly and then abruptly freezes
I am left naked, hotfaced in the bare cold.
Isolated and shivering in my own nightmare.
The bridge between us in love and
the purgatory we've descended into, is collapsing.
The beams are breaking apart,
the cast is spitting out rocks at the dark passerby ghouls
The suspension will soon snap.
The bond between me and you is breaking apart.
I wish I was able to save us
But I know I will be able to save myself
Before this bridge crumbles
The warning signs were all my own
I just wish I would have known.

Ordinary

The chandelier earrings hang on her small ears
stuck out in front of her black hair
the rhinestones and intricate detail stand out more
than the almonds of her eyes and her hard stone stare.

The gray dress falls over her small hips
Her soft voice dissolves into the crowd
her thin lips disappear upon the soiree
of faces which are beautiful and loud