9/29/15 Quiet Contemplative Tuesday

So, it is indeed a quiet, contemplative Tuesday.

I am at work, of course, since this is the only place I feel relaxed enough to write, otherwise I'm stir-crazy and constantly need to be doing something.

I might be going to the beach tomorrow...

I trust you God.

I trust you God.

I trust you God.

And so thankful that I can finally run again!

Uncanny Dream

Having a dream about someone you've never met is weird enough.

Explaining to your close friend that it was his mother who passed away is even weirder.

Just A Friend

Late night conversations
Early dawn texts before the coffee has begun
Better with you in my bed
Let the sheets unravel before we see the sun

Music and movies and muses
Late night cuddles and hand holding
Better enjoy it while it lasts
Hold me tight before it's morning

Breakfast, lunch and dinner
I take you with me everywhere
Better every time our bodies touch
Stick around if you dare

Lip bites, body marks, and thumb wars
Share your secrets, don't pretend
Better that you can't tame my soul
Because you'll always be just a friend

You were perfect to me, and I was perfect to you
But maybe only fools could look at someone that way
and we could both think happily ever after
but we both know that's not true
but we'll still smile
...with both our eyes closed
...because that's how wishes are made

And I'll be happy for the way you made me feel
and the infinite possibilities I felt existed between us
because I strategically placed them there
because we attracted each other again and again
And maybe that's how it will always be
but we both know that's not true
...change is constant
...and time is guaranteed to run out

And maybe it's because I wanted you so bad,
I willed you into existence at the very moment
when I needed you to be there
I needed to feel magic
I needed to believe in love

And god, I'm going to miss you.
Because I created you, I made you up
you are the beautiful creation I made
and maybe that's why it hurts so bad
because we are so narcissistic
but either way it works
now I have to give you up
I want something real
and sadly, you never were

Swallowed in the noise,
in the crowds,
in the every day mundane moments,
I'd rather be swallowed up in you.

The downside of hope

I keep hoping and hoping
like a young girl I never grew out of it
carried it around, danced around, like sunshine in my locket
my time will come and I will be very happy

Hope is cruel and never-ending
Slow and steady, I didn't realize I would
be continuously waiting for you
the waiting is purely heartbreaking
what you did is even worse

And it's unfair to say I never tried
You will never know what we could be
what I would be
Because you never took the time to get to know me

I don't want to hope
I don't want to care
I don't want to know why
I just want to see hope die

Quote Love

“I’ve had friends that couldn’t be my lover. I’ve had lovers who couldn’t be my friend. I can’t wait for the day I find the person that is both.”

—	William Chapman (via post-acid)

Tumblr Post I stumbled upon...

thechildofstyle:

"find someone
who knows
you're sad
just by the change of tone
in your voice

be with someone
who loves the
feature that
you hate the most

fall in love with
someone who
looks at you and
knows they don't
want anyone else"

I love this. It's the details that mean the most. It's the quiet moments you share with someone, no words necessary. It's the lazy afternoons, the long nights of non stop conversation. The way it's okay to be sad and crying or upset around that person. The deep belly laughs and cheeks hurting from smiling. The weird idiosyncrasies, that they don't find weird at all.

That Look

That Look

That look. That I'm a weirdo.
I feel it in the middle of a mundane conversation.
And it smells like a thunderstorm about to hit on a rather bright day.
Except that thunderstorm is me.

In that "I'm a weirdo" moment I feel a sudden, forceful, sock it-to my-belly-wish-I-had-a-perfect-six-pack jolt of a thought. On my end I feel a sudden thrust of regret. On my end, I think maybe on he can sense it too. Maybe he doesn't realize it yet, like his mind will adapt to his body soon. But as I sense it, smell it, taste it, it blankets me to the point I feel like I can an no longer breathe.

But then I do.
And I exhale a little bit more.
And then I want to cry, but today is a brand new day of a brand new year.
And Best Coast is playing in the background and...

and I still feel like I'm in over my head...
and I still want to cry, baby I'm crying,

Because I've recognized the feeling before, I know the secret cracks, the cruel twists and turns,
and I try my very best to manage
I'm trying
to be roses in  the rain
Because I've recognized the feeling before. It's all too familiar and worn-in. The sharp, blistery, swift, cold choke of that painfully hot, humiliating moment.
That look, fuck that look
That look that I'm flawed, imperfect, and damaged, perhaps beyond repair. That look that changes everything from that moment  on. The regret that I'm no longer what you want. And there's not a thing I can do to change that.
And I'll have to accept it.
And I know I'll have to let you go.

We Don't Know Its Name Anymore

I can still remember when we met
A low light cast from underneath a dim planet
We had our own crazy plans in store
Flying among the stars with no rules
but we don't know its name anymore

A weightless world is what we found
Our feet refused to touch the ground
floating around so free and high
fingers and hands assuredly yet shy
and we never thought
we'd have to say goodbye

But we couldn't live there
and being that free became a chore
A place that amazing never had a floor
I sometimes wish we could go back
but we don't know its name anymore

The Mess That's Me

I'm a mess
I'm complicated
I'm weird
I'm strange
I say illogical things in quiet serious moments
I laugh when I'm crying
I snort when I laugh too hard
I laugh much louder than I speak
I sweat in weird places when I'm nervous
I'm super inappropriate
I curse in a way that's not cute
I spill too many secrets about myself
I apologize more than I should
I still check under my bed
I turn on all the lights when I'm lonely
I have the hardest time finishing a book
I have the hardest time finishing a painting
I have the hardest time just plain finishing anything
I still eat like a teenager
I have no clue what a real diet consists of
I can't stop at one glass of wine
I complain about the smallest things
I hold in the bigger things
I sometimes don't know what I'm trying to say
I know exactly what I'm feeling
I have enormous regrets
I wish I could take back so much
I feel like I don't give enough
I don't know when to stop giving
I don't know when to let go
I don't know how to give up
I still blush when I look at you
I wish that you would think about me
I think about you more than you would think
I wish I could tell you
I still love you
I'm afraid that
I don't know if I'll ever stop

Time Is A Tricky Lil' Son of Another

Time is a tricky lil son of another

a surreal, paradise-intoxicating island

a stalling moment of a desirable, favorable chance

a stretch of hope of love and yearning rapture in a man

The years sleep so awkwardly and perplexingly

everything appears to lay on the palm of your hand

an enchanting moment of harmonious guitar-strummed amity

a connection only true lovers can

Achieve in a way that only time can

have a crazy effect on, can close abstract gaps

a miracle of untouchable willing faith

a smidgen of happiness smug on your lap

Not knowing the inevitable

a heavy hesitation of the future happy hourglass

Can we flip it over and over

I want to, have to, need to know it will last

Time is a tricky lil' son of another

moment in the span of our superior-seeming universe

when, oh when, can we get it right?

Because I'm weary of our long, fiery games

of this muddy verse in need of a final broken curse.

4 AM Quote

"And if you're still up at 4 a.m., you are in love or lonely, and I don't know which one is worse."  Ramandeep Singh quotes

The Drama Of Foil

I bought the foil, you know, the foil we needed to wrap the cooking sheet before we cooked the pizza. Or rather, baked the pizza. Still not sure which it was, are we cooking or baking? I've never been much of a cook. Or baker. Or chef for that matter.
Nevertheless, the foil is what we needed. Numerous times. I always said I would buy the foil. And somehow I managed to forget. I know it may have seemed insignificant and maybe it was, but I shouldn't have forgotten. I needed it for other things too.
But, you're gone now, so it doesn't matter.
And guess what? I have foil. Strange how things work themselves out. Or don't.
But, it was one of the things I faulted myself on. Not having foil in the kitchen. Not cooking enough.
Not baking or whatever. Not knowing how to deep fry or sautee.
And come to think of it now... How ridiculous.
How ridiculous to think of myself as an incomplete human being because of something so minuscule as foil.
But, that's how it was and that's how you were.
The madness of it all. What would you think? What would you say?
And now, I'm just too tired for any of it.
I'm too tired for the foil, for the games, for the intense, anxious anticipation. And where has it gotten me?
It wasn't just you. You're just a number in the grand scheme of relationships or close encounters.
A potential relationship where we pretend to be someone we're not.
Why fool ourselves? Why lie? Why bother with the pleasantries?
What's the fucking point?
I'll trade in the warm body lying next to mine. That's tough. Considering I enjoy that so much more than sex.
I'll trade in the dependence. I'll be stronger and more independent in time.
I'll trade in the control and the maliciousness and focus on the intricate corners of my own soul.
I don't need you and I never really needed foil.
But foil is here now and you're not.
At least foil serves a purpose.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Why is everything less charming the day after?
After a vacation, returning to work.
After Christmas, and somehow we're relieved it's over.
After the first lay, because you know that's the best it will ever be.
We hype everything up like fools. Needing it to be this movie-like, magical, entrancing, indelible fairy tale moment. Or a string of moments, like a never-ending strand of bright, multi-colored Christmas lights that we wish, like hopeful, ruddy-faced kids, would shine forever.
Posting only happy pictures; see the perfect smiles, the bright eyes, the shiny hair.
And writing only inspirational, strained, hollow words, that even we don't believe.
Cramming everything that's secretive and painful and humiliating under our beds,
waiting for our parents to tuck us in and read us stories of innocent, dim-witted cats and dogs that speak, and clever forks and spoons that dance.
Why do we trick ourselves? Like the magic mirror on the wall exists solely to tell us what we'd like to hear.
Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the biggest fool of them all?
And it would have to be me. For believing in us. Except 'us' serves no purpose. No more.
Some people do it right, get it right, and maybe I did everything all wrong, but you didn't stop me.
You let me carry on and ramble on, because I somehow thought that's all I was good at.
But, the words I could never articulate correctly and kindly, according to you.
And although I felt they didn't carry much meaning they could slice through the silence,
slice through a brick, because that's how you chose to take it.
But I would never be able to slice through your walls, even with the biggest sledgehammer.
We hype everything up, wanting to be so ridiculously happy,
as if happy is the answer to life.
But only you chose to focus on the microscopic flaws.
Not that my flaws are microscopic, because that would be the biggest lie.
But you searched for them, dug for them, hunted them like deer for survival.
And I never would have stood a chance.
And I could miss you, and I could want you back with every feeling in my body
that I pretend is numb or I so desperately wish it were.
I could miss you with every 'sorry' and every 'I love you'
and with every word I write about you that you will never read.
But, it wouldn't matter at all.
I'll go back to being Cinderella.
You will turn into a pumpkin
I will eat the rotten apple
and the mirror on the wall will shatter into a million peices.
Why is everything less charming the day after?
Because time runs out
and just like you and me
everything will end.

Falling Glass

Wound me up, wound me up
Don't you love seeing me fucked up
wound me up, shake me up
maybe it will hurt less
when I'm dropped
like glass about to fall
and shatter all over the floor
piece by piece, bit by bit
the shame of it laid out for everyone to see
and I can't cover a thing
I can't enclose it, compartmentalize it
the agony spills out and over
it stains my blankets and pillows
the nasty morning reminder
right after you're not there
And everyone leaves
because that's what you're told
and that's what you choose to believe
and that's what you do to me
Wound me up, wound me up
like a silly toy with no expression
wound me up, shake me up
maybe it will hurt less
when I'm dropped
because I can't stand anymore
I can't breathe, there's no air
I'm not going backwards
I'm just falling down

Do What You Never Thought Was Possible

Why do I feel like this? I feel an utter urgency to do something amazing, something amazing just for me.

Just disregarding everyone else's opinions, hearsay, insults, objectives, theories, and giving them the bird and saying to myself, that it's not for me. I don't need it, don't deserve it, and I won't tolerate it for a minute longer. No longer feeling the desire of being nice to people solely for the sake of being nice and not wanting to come off like the mean girl or rather the "bitch". But, how do I achieve what I ultimately want by appeasing to others? It is a simple answer; I can't do what people expect from me all the time and be equally happy. There are times where I have to solely think about myself, my needs, my goals and my dreams. Ultimately, I matter the most, I need to love myself first and foremost and everything else is secondary. It's not about being greedy or selfish, it's about self preservation. That is life. Now stumbling upon this new-found insight has not been easy nor has it been a quick process. Its been a long, arduous process. It's about making difficult decisions and wondering if I had made the right choices and even still falling backwards, because I was unsure. The important thing, is I continued to press on even when I was completely alone. Being alone is difficult. It's the hardest thing for me to achieve. There are times when I want someone just to have someone next to me to feel safe and feel desired. The hardest thing in life is achieving those same feelings on your own. That is what I'm currently trying to accomplish. I'll let you know how it goes...

You can never cross the ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore. –Christopher Columbus

I Could For You

I could spend the rest of my life
trying to fill the gaps in your soul
I could turn myself inside out
Love has a way of taking its toll
I could go crazy with apologies
I'll never understand what it is I stole
I could empty my entirety
trying to make you whole
I could die the rest of my life
But, I'd be the one with the bigger hole.

You'll Never Know

Pacing back and forth
feverishly fretting
counting up and down
tentatively waiting

Frenzied in a way
that's never fair
but you'll never know
and you'll never care

More often than not
I startle myself, but
I need to stop myself
actively stop myself
because every day is you
and every night I want it through

Watching and waiting
strumming carelessly
and I can't stop thinking of you
thinking recklessly

If you could only see
how you're tearing me apart
strumming vigorously
rapidly pounding in my heart

More often than not
I startle myself, but
I need to stop myself
actively stop myself
because every day is you
and every night I want it through

because every day I want you
but, I know we'll never see it through

and every day I want you
but, I know I'll never see you through