My timing is ironic it almost makes me laugh...
But I'm not laughing.. and I'm not happy. I have everything I wanted or thought I wanted. You're gone. Or I'm gone.. it doesn't really matter anymore. Time swallows up the memories and we're left with the rancid aftertaste. I can still taste that.. it sleeps on my tongue like a night after heavy drinking swims in your pores. It lives there.. infests everything it lays its tongue on.. But truthfully that's all I have left of you. I can take it or trash it.. and I greedily take the images with me.. deep down where no one knows and only I can see.
My regret is insurmountable. I thought with time I'd forget you. Your scent lingers in my air.. it teases and taunts. I almost despise the effect you have on me every minute of every day. I'm happy.. I try to tell myself over and over. Is it an illusion I invent for myself to believe. Why are you so seminal to me. Is it because you were once in my grasp and I let you go. Was it because I lost? A defeated opponent in a game where I cheated and lied. Was this the ending I wanted.. because my fantasy was so egregious. Because I wanted you to suffer.. the way I had for so long. Fixated on you from afar and you never noticed. But I'm not. It wasn't about retribution. It was a moment long ago when the opportunity was there. When your hand touched mine. And our lips allied, eager to shower us with their gratification. And then I slammed you out. And I crammed everything that was impervious to fit in my life.
My world spins on an axis that I'm not in control of. I'm merely a puppet dancing on strings far far away from you. Because I know that is what you want. That's what you deserve. To forget my reflection looking back at you in your mirror.And I know that you're happy. I know there is someone else now.. to give you what I could not. It doesn't make me bitter. I'm only disappointed in myself and the hold you do not know you have on me. Because I still see your smile. I still see that shiny long brown hair in front of me passing by on the street. I try to slow you down. But you turn around and its a vacant face. Devoid of your laughter and loony charm. And I'm sad. And please trust me when I say I'm sorry. My feelings will one day change. I will one day move on just as you have. But for now I have my dreams.
My dreams are beautiful concoctions that I've painted with the most miniscule brush.. not forgetting any details. remembering me and you.. remembering.. the smoke in the air.. the music in the background..beauty marks and moles.. the vanilla sky painted across my world.
